note to self

alternately, on closure

This will be different from my usual content. If you’re exclusively fashion-interested, click away— that’s not in me right now. Don’t worry, it will be again soon. But first, I need to immortalize a moment in time.

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. Not in the heated argument, throwing insults, scream-cry kind of way, but in the “if you love something (or someone), set it free” kind of way.

There is absolutely no ill-will in this breakup. Only love.

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I figured my childhood was like playing life on easy-mode. Life dealt me a bomb-ass hand. So I always wondered, where do my “issues” stem from, if not any particular trauma?

After my break up, I called my best friend. And then I called my mom. Among the first things she said was:

“When are you gonna tell [your friends]? What if they find out from someone else first?”

and

You’re gonna have plenty of alone time!”

It felt wrong.

It was loud and chaotic. It was so much. So unlike the peace of my now past relationship. Her phone kept going off with its obnoxious text-tone and she kept changing the subject and we could not sit still in silence.

And then I realized… Maybe my past was missing something— A tenderness— A quiet solidity— the space for holding emotions. Nothing I innately lacked, but a seed rarely nurtured (no shade to my parents, I love y’all but c’mon, we know we’re not the most mushy gushy feely family).

I started to worry that away from him and flung back into the arms of my parents, I might revert to tendencies I no longer agree with or believe in. I might lose that tenderness and the ability to slow down.

But I don’t want to lose it. I won’t lose it. I will treasure it forever. God, now I’m about to cry at the coffee shop.

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I told him that he felt like my angel, despite my pooh-poohing religion throughout our relationship. And while I’m not about to bust out a bible and join the church choir, I meant it. I feel a faith— a love, that I never knew before. A universal love— for him, for myself, for everyone in my life, and for our world.

I support manifestation and willing things into existence in the woo-woo TikTok astrological guide sense so why not this too? That is faith right? That’s karma? That’s the power of love (HAH!)

He told me he wanted to be my rock. That he saw so much potential in me. That he wanted to be the first person in my life to be there for me no matter what. And he was. To see and accept all my flaws and still love and believe in me. And he did so absolutely, always.

Then I blossomed. And maybe I do have some innate special capacity for growth or maybe it was his unwavering faith in me that made it so.

When he found me I was so scared of the world. Of other people. Of myself. I’m not scared anymore. Well, maybe a little bit but I’m also brave now. He paid me the ultimate kindness. He stood by me until I could stand on my own two feet.

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Still, each sentence here verges on tears. Every thought so powerful it breaks my heart which I then rebuild even stronger. And I’m a little embarrassed. But so what if I’m the girl going through it on a Tuesday at 8 am in the middle of a coffee shop?

If you act with kindness and respect and care for other people— you will never be too much. Your emotions are not “bad” and neither are you. Your truth, the real truth, should never be buried. Not the fake truth, but the truth you find once you peel back the layers of hurt, pride, and insecurity. Vulnerability is the ultimate act of courage.

Let the emotion wash over you and reflection will come. Feel it because it’s beautiful. Self-restraint is much easier when you understand your self.

So I refuse to ignore it or skate past it. I want to feel this because I know there’s so much value to be found here. Right now, I’m sipping it in small doses. I write a few sentences. I feel. I cry. I turn towards the windows and wipe my tears because I don’t want pity from the other patrons.

Usually, I’d devour attention. It’s where I shine. A black cat in the sunlight. But I don’t particularly want it right now. That’s why I don’t care to tell people. I’m not embarrassed or scared or whatever. For now I just want this to be mine.

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What else do I need to remember…

You want to be wise? You want to grow? You want to be utterly great? Listen.

Invest in yourself sure, but yourself is nothing without your community.

And practice.

Wisdom isn’t stagnant, it’s a practice. It’s consistency. Like love, it’s something you do everyday. Take your vitamins, go piss, put on some blush, and then be wise.

That feels daunting— and scarily impermanent. But what fun would life be if it weren’t a challenge?

And patience.

That’s a tough one for me. But if the joy is in the process, then there’s never need to rush.

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Love is a choice. And yesterday we made a choice. A choice I’m unsure about, but one that I felt called to.

I also said I felt trapped. I’m unsure about that too. Did I really? Or is that just a lie in truth’s clothing? I don’t know.

Maybe I made a huge mistake. I don’t know.

I say “I don’t know” a lot. It’s my go-to filler phrase. But I don’t think that’s bad, because it’s true!

There’s so much I don’t know— in fairness, there’s also a lot I do know! But knowing is fluid, so sometimes I know something and sometimes I don’t or sometimes I think I don’t but then I realize I do or I think I do and then I realize I don’t.

So anyways, we made a choice. Was it the right one? I don’t know.

I say I followed my gut. My instinct. My intuition. Whatever you wanna call it. Maybe it’s silly to believe that you should obey your “gut”. Sometimes my gut leads me right off a cliff and into a dumpster fire of dog sh*t. I don’t know— I haven’t figured that one out yet either.

My therapist would probably say there was no right choice. Only a choice. And then me. And now I will make the best of whatever comes next.

Maybe I’ll learn and grow and regret. Maybe I’ll find the piece of me that was missing and be ready to love too late. But that’s my cross to bear.

I was scared. And then I was brave. I will face the music and I will be ok. And so will he. And we will be more than ok, we will be amazing.

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I feel so lucky to have experienced this kind of love. And I don’t know what I did to deserve this luck, but I know I won’t forget it. I know that I want to bring more of it into the world. Maybe not in the same way as him— we are different people with different superpowers. But the fight’s the same.

I also re-read my old journals yesterday. I spotted inklings of the right ideas all long. And this post will probably be just another inkling too someday. But I write with hope that it’s not— that my story won’t lose this plot.

So, I’ll write and I’ll work and I’ll cry and I’ll laugh and I’ll wear slay fits and really really really try to be kind. I’ll click “I’m not a robot” and mean it. And I’ll live.

xx I love you, Audrey

P.S. I actually wrote most of this the day before yesterday, but I’m honoring how I felt then. I can’t capture a person or a relationship or love or grief in a single blog post— only a moment.

P.P.S.