off the wall accessories

4 shoes cooler than the Samba, edible jewelry, & how to style your sports injury

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Some people measure their life in milestones, birthdays, or semesters. I measure mine in white sneakers.

put yourself in my shoes!

Middle school was white low-top converse. High school, white Adidas Superstars. And college, white Nike Air Force Ones— first low-tops, before maturing into mid-tops. Since graduating, I’ve anxiously awaited the next whITe shoe and the subsequent dawn of a new era.

ft. young Audrey pics

When Sambas popped up in 2023, I thought it might finally be time to invest. But I couldn’t bring myself to buy a pair.

Still, I felt the white shoe itch.

Given my recent ode to the Chuck Taylor, I considered a matching pair in white.

Or maybe New Balance 530s?

A pair of Nike Cortez?

All great options, none of which motivated me to whip out my credit card.

After an unintentional shopping sabbatical, I stopped by Nordstrom Rack, where a pair of $40 Tretorns caught my eye.

I didn’t buy them.

But afterwards, I couldn’t get them out of my head. I loved the white and green together. I rarely see them in the wild. And I’m still not over Challengers and tennis-core. They just made sense.

my preferred Samba alts

After conferring with God (aka The Official Preppy Handbook), I returned to The Rack to purchase my verified prep, OG tennis shoe. Ask the universe baby and you shall receive!

The Bible

But Tretorns weren’t the only unexpected accessory life had in store for me…

This cheap accessory gets you compliments, friends, and dates for only $12.99!

ICYMI¹, my current (slightly woo-woo) obsession is listening to the universe and tuning into my body.

Rid of distractions: scrolling (yes, even substack), biting my cuticles, biting actual food, listening to music, talking to someone, etc., I just sit there with my thoughts and actively listen. I know, I know, I’m late to the meditation party!

Last Friday, the powers that be informed me that I required a lollipop. Preferably of the fruity dum-dum variety.

Now— sourcing a dum-dum is more difficult than you might imagine in this day and age. Target and 7/11 were duds. Alas, my final stop, Walgreens, had suckers aplenty. For only $12.99, I walked away with 200 dum-dums (including the special anniversary birthday cake flavor!).

Buying in bulk would not have been my first choice (it was my only choice). However, I’d now like to walk back that judgement. I hadn’t realized that accessorizing with a giant bag of lollipops is a highly effective ice breaker!

legitimately chiclets core

Noticing my seemingly un-ending supply of lollies, another coffee shop patron asked if he could have one. This eventually led to a lively conversation and lick-sesh amongst the entire table.

I walked away with three new friends, for only 6¢ a pop!

Not only are they great conversation starters, but offering up a dum-dum is proven to increase the joy in any social interaction by ~10%. This goes up to 20% if you let your friend(s) choose their favorite flavor.

The pocket dum-dum also serves as a great non-alcoholic emotional support thing-to-hold-onto at the function when you don’t wanna drink.

Or, say you’re a host. I think having a dum-dum stash on hand for houseguests is utterly cool.

But the value of a dum-dum is not pure function. It’s also an aesthetically adept accessory:

1. You can coordinate flavor and color with your outfit. Or with your vibe, like an edible mood ring. Oh wait… don’t those already exist?

   

   for when ur feeling brat x barb

   I could also see styling candy necklaces a la 70’s/2000’s puka shell strand. And candy bangles would make the perfect Taylor Swift friendship bracelet dupe.

   

   me and who this summer??

2. As a purse-hater (sooo impractical for the over-packer), a lollipop makes much more sense. It won’t fall off my shoulder every five seconds and it actually has a purpose.

3. It’s a natural lipgloss. Choose cherry for a rosy “I just got back from the aprés” look or blue-raspberry for an ethereal mermaid-core vibe.

My circus, my monkeys

Pt. 2 of my recent obsession with tuning in is turning towards my fears. Once you know that you’re scared and why, you can face the fear. Fear is an evolutionary response which these days, is usually stupid! A hungry lion and a phone call should not inspire the same level of terror.

For me, facing said fears might include:

• responding to texts

• taking baby steps to start a work project that I’m dreading

• or carrying on a conversation with a stranger

Eating the frog is no joke when it comes to defeating procrastination, anxiety, and regret.

This “no-fear” strategy is also extremely effective for dislocating your shoulder at the bouldering gym!

Which to be clear— is not a knock against it. I did briefly wonder if this was a lesson against recklessness. But I don’t think so. Bouldering is all mental. Other times when I’ve sent a climb that I thought I couldn’t, I was successful. Or I took a harmless fall. Alas, sports injury just seemed to be in the cards for me this season.

Luckily, a sling makes for an even better conversation starter than a lollipop! While it’s not quite at the level of breaking your arm and getting a neon pink cast that you can ask your crush to sign— it comes pretty damn close.

For example, a former reality TV heartthrob (and now Only Fans content-creator) might come over to say “they’re concerned about you” and some other things I will not include here. I debated whether this was brag-worthy and decided it was.

How to make lemonade with a dislocated shoulder

Continuing on my current path of nauseating positivity, I asked: what are the silver linings of a temporary shoulder injury?

1. Most straightforwardly— improved ambidexterity and more symmetrical bicep muscles (lefty has always cowered in comparison her mate).

2. It forces you to slow down. When your dominant hand is benched, you’re forced to actively think about activities that you’d otherwise run on autopilot. E.g., brushing your teeth or tying your shoes. The side effect? Being more present and mindful. The physical slowdown also eases mental acceleration. While attempting to journal left-handed, I had to temper my inner monologue and be more precise with my written words. I workshopped sentences as I went, rather than just on re-read.

   And if you were questioning the whims of the universe, just look at my journal entry only hours before dislocation:

   “I’m feeling a little down today… What do I need? I feel like I need something…”

   “I need a reminder of who I am and my mission… I also think maybe I need to just slow down. I’ve been in busy, grind-Audrey, go-go-go mode. I need to reflect. Sit with my thoughts. Breathe. Mind-body connection and awareness and all.”

   Slow down I got!

3. It can reaffirm your ability to be comfortable with discomfort. I don’t mean to brag, but simply to acknowledge that I’m proud of how I handled the situation. Despite my shock and pain and aloneness, I was calm. I remembered to breathe (win!) and reassured myself that this wouldn’t last forever.

4. It’s great effective communication practice! E.g.,

   1. “I know you need to fill out an incident report, but can you please get me medical attention? I am in a lot of pain right now.”

   2. “I am still in a lot of pain, can I please get meds before you move my arm around for the X-ray?”

   3. “Am I going to die?” (ok, this may not be a great example of my level-headedness…)

5. New styling inspo. Of course, the biggest boon of an injury is the outfit potential. My sling’s colorway inspired me to lean into navy co-ords and prep.

   

   You might also play with asymmetry…

   

   Or coordinate your nails, which now hang front-and-center over your outfit, a la Pedro Pascal:

   

   “ouchy”

   You might even elevate the sling itself, using texture and bling like Mariah Carey or by going designer like Matt LeBlanc and his Chrome Hearts brace:

   

Real talk? After losing the only physical activity I enjoy, I worried I’d also lose my newfound sense of self and power. Turns out, true power is single-handedly (HA!) getting outfit compliments despite a dingy ER sling! You can force a gal off the wall, but you can’t keep a good girl down ;)

xx Audrey’s left arm

P.S. Apparently Mariah Carey also got a bedazzled ring pop for her 2nd wedding anniversary?! I’m now convinced Mariah and I are actually the same person. (pc:

Victoria Edel

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1. ICYMI = In Case You Missed It