The BF Filtering Method

alternately, the Jacob Elordi/Paul Mescal phenomenon

Over time, I have slowly replaced my boyfriend’s most offensive clothing. The lumpy Adidas were first to go, followed by the slim-fit jeans and tapered sweatpants. Bear with me— this is an appreciation post not a dunk session.

(though if you prefer critique over mush, skip to the back half of this essay! I may have buried the lede…)

For each replacement, I carefully considered every option, searching for the perfect piece that blended my boyfriend’s taste with my own. The item had to be aesthetically pleasing to me, but also reflect my boyfriend and his values. I had never analyzed clothing purchases so carefully before. It seems silly now, but when buying for myself, I had never stopped to ask: does this piece reflect me?

Then, on a particularly usual Tuesday, my boyfriend came over and fully flipped my style world on its head: I liked his outfit more than my own! He wore brown corduroy pants (source: me) with his cream Reebok Club C’s (source: me), a marled purple knit sweater (source: me), and a tan & red ‘bama baseball cap (source: him). It was modern but simple, clean but casual. It was the perfect blend of my knack for cool and his instincts for classic.

And so I started subconsciously (or maybe consciously) dressing more like him. A white t-shirt here, a pair of Levi 501s there, and sure enough, we soon looked like an inter-gender Mary Kate and Ashley with our quasi-matching attire.

one of our first unintentionally matching days about a year ago

My boyfriend quickly became my most trusted source of fashion advice. At the thrift store I’d facetime him to pare down my shopping cart. On weekends, he’d help me select the perfect shirt for that day’s ensemble. Nowadays he kinda just lives as a little voice in the back of my head. My own personal Jiminy Cricket? But better looking, obviously.

how i picture my bf in my head

Some Personal Reflection

My stubbornness is simultaneously one of my best and worst qualities. I tend to want to mold the world to fit my vision. If I’m a square peg and the world’s a round hole, I will keep jamming the f*ck out of that hole until by god it’s a square. This can be productive, but also limiting.

However, while I was busy molding my new man into the boyfriend of my Pinterest dreams, he ended up reshaping me instead. To be clear, I never wanted to change my bf, only bring a new (stylish) perspective to who he already was. I just didn’t realize the extent to which he would do the same for me!

You can Pinterest to the high heavens, watch hundreds of youtube styling videos, and surf TRR for hours, but there’s nothing quite like the IRL fashion of people you interact with every day. Similarly, you can read a million self help books, relationship guides, and TikTok tarot readings but there’s nothing quite like the real deal— an actual human being you must reckon with that encourages you to shift your perspective. It also helps having a really patient and kind one.

Despite the vast amount of online fashion content I consume, I find that it’s the everyday, in-person stuff that really sticks with me. My truest style inspo is not influencers, celebrities, or runway shows, but rather my IRL peers. In particular, my boyfriend. Ok boyfriend, you can stop reading here.

Some Social Commentary

You might argue that anyone could be your style foil. But I specifically called this post “The BF Filtering Method”, didn’t I? I recently read a great piece that put my half-baked thoughts on this into words:

“Whereas women’s style advice tends to focus on frivolity, fun, quick cheap thrills or irony when it comes to friction, menswear style advice leans on depth and a deep sense of understanding oneself.”

- Tiia VM

Tiia VM

also linked this post, which was similarly revelatory to my perspective.

Why is it that women are advised to add contrast to their outfits, while men aren’t? Women’s trends shift significantly from week to week while men’s trends remain fundamentally the same over decades. This idea only truly resonated with me when I experienced first hand how disparate my boyfriend and I’s approaches to style are.

My boyfriend buys things with the intention of owning them forever. My boyfriend is uninterested in trends. My boyfriend loves classic brands, known for their construction, utility, and lifetime warranties: e.g., Patagonia, L.L. Bean, Arcteryx, Ralph Lauren, etc. My boyfriend can easily fit all his clothes into a single closet and travels Spirit with ease. My boyfriend never needs to “declutter”, only retiring items when they’re fully worn through and hole-y.

Of course, let’s not discredit my role here— just ask my boyfriend how often he gets compliments on the shoes, jacket, watch, etc. that I scouted for him. I love fashion, trends, and innovative new brands and they should NOT be disregarded as fluff, as many feminine interests often are. But of course, these frequently complimented purchases are inextricably tied to my boyfriend and his own style too.

The BF Muse

BF #1

Jacob Elordi. Paul Mescal. Boyfriend jeans. They’re style icons, but also boyfriends™— iconic in their association to their stylish (but not as iconically so) girlfriends: e.g., Olivia Jade (nee: Kaia Gerber, Zendaya, & Joey King), Gracie Abrams (nee: Phoebe Bridgers) and adjacently, one might add Daisy Edgar Jones.

BF #2 (and GFs #1, 2, 3, and 4)

Yes, he’s always a boyfriend isn’t he? He’s a man but he’s woman approved. A safe man. But not so safe that he hasn’t already mowed through five beautiful celeb gfs in the past half-decade. The girlfriend changes but our obsession with his style doesn’t.

Are we obsessed with boyfriends because we love men who love like women? This also fits snugly into the wife guy discourse that

Ochuko Akpovbovbo

recently mentioned— loving your wife is now a successful marketing tactic. And is it because we can’t idolize women in the same way that we are allowed to idolize men, that we elevate the men who seem to at least like us?

Sure, Olivia Jade has mastered minimal chic, but the pap doesn’t ogle her outfits in the same way it does Jacob’s. If Phoebe Bridgers broke out some micro shorts, would we celebrate them as much as Paul Mescal’s miniature inseam? To be cemented as a style symbol, women must deviate more significantly from the norm than the length of a hemline or the fit of a tee shirt. They must invent entirely new aesthetics rather than simply twist the classics in their favor. I guess Jennifer Lawrence’s simple and luxurious looks of late fit the bill here. But still, we tend to focus on her love of The Row more than her innate style.

Similarly, CBK, Zoe Kravitz, and Gwyneth Paltrow have stood out as recent popular style icons who focus more on simplicity and ‘timeless’ looks. We do give these ladies their flowers. Still,

Style Analytics

analyzed the top style icons by country right now via Pinterest, which I’d argue reflects just how short-lived these ‘timeless’ IT girls can be. Also most of their styles still lean heavy into aesthetics and nostalgia.

I would be remiss to not mention the recent surge in boy pageantry as well, which

Viv Chen

aptly assessed would likely not work as well for female celebs in her Dev Patel lookalike coverage.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s A LOT that men’s style discourse could learn from women. For example, being unafraid to try something new or to take inspo from the opposite gender. But here I am, idolizing my boyfriend’s influence on my style. And it isn’t wrong, but it is interesting.

It’s not always about men vs. women. Or race. Or class. But sometimes it is, or sometimes that’s at least part of the story.

In Conclusion

You can’t Pinterest board your way to the perfect boyfriend. Or can you? Well you can try but you might end up finding a better version of yourself along the way.

Styling my boyfriend has made me appreciate the joys of really good gift giving. It has also taught me to understand the merits of give-and-take, going with the flow rather than fighting against it, and the vast potential of all I can learn from others. And of course, it has made me more aware of the differences in how style is marketed to men and women.

Who’s your biggest style influence? Is it someone you know IRL or is that just a me-thing?

xx Audrey