the bf filtering method
alternately, the Jacob Elordi/Paul Mescal phenomenon
Over time, I have slowly replaced my boyfriend’s most offensive clothing. The lumpy Adidas were first to go, followed by the slim-fit jeans, and tapered sweatpants. Bear with me— this is an appreciation post not a dunk session.
I mulled over each replacement, searching for the perfect piece to blend my boyfriend and I’s tastes. It had to be aesthetically pleasing AND reflect my boyfriend’s values. I had never analyzed clothing purchases so carefully before… It seems silly, but when buying for myself, I had never stopped to ask: does this piece reflect me?
Then, on a particularly usual Tuesday, my boyfriend came over and flipped my style world on its head… I liked his outfit more than my own!
He wore brown corduroy pants (source: me) with his cream Reebok Club C’s (source: me), a marled purple knit sweater (source: me), and a tan & red ‘bama baseball cap (source: him). It was trendy but simple, casual but clean— the perfect blend of my knack for cool and his instincts for classic.
And so I started subconsciously (or maybe consciously) dressing more like him. A white t-shirt here, a pair of Levi 501s there, and soon enough we looked like an inter-gender Mary Kate and Ashley with our quasi-matching attire.
My boyfriend quickly became my most trusted fashion advisor. At the thrift store, I’d facetime him to pare down my cart. On weekends, he’d help me select a shirt to match the day’s ensemble. When physically absent, he remained, a little voice in the back of my head— my own personal style Jiminy Cricket. But better looking, obviously.
Some Personal Reflection
My stubbornness is simultaneously one of my best and worst qualities. I want to mold the world to fit my vision. If I’m a square peg and the world’s a round hole, I will keep jamming the f*ck out of that hole until by god it’s a square. This can be productive, but limiting.
But while I was busy molding my man into the boyfriend of my Pinterest dreams, he was reshaping me!
You can Pinterest to the high heavens, watch hundreds of youtube styling videos, and surf TRR for hours, but there’s nothing quite like the fashion of people you interact with IRL. Similarly, you can read a million self help books, relationship guides, and TikTok tarot card interpretations, but there’s nothing quite like the real deal— a human being you must reckon with who encourages you to shift your perspective. It also helps having a really patient and kind one.
Despite the wads of online fashion content I consume, I find that it’s the everyday, in-person stuff that sticks. My biggest inspo is not influencers, celebrities, or runway shows. It’s my peers. In particular, my boyfriend. Ok boyfriend, you can stop reading here.
Some Social Commentary
You might argue that anyone could be your style foil. But I specifically called this post “The BF Filtering Method”, didn’t I? I recently read a great piece that put my half-baked thoughts on this into words:
also linked this perspective-busting post.“Whereas women’s style advice tends to focus on frivolity, fun, quick cheap thrills or irony when it comes to friction, menswear style advice leans on depth and a deep sense of understanding oneself.”
- Tiia VM
Why is it that women are advised to add contrast to their outfits, while men aren’t? Women’s trends shift weekly, while men’s trends persist for decades. This sunk in for me after seeing first hand how differently my boyfriend and I approach style.
My boyfriend buys things with the intention of owning them forever. My boyfriend is uninterested in trends. My boyfriend loves classic brands, known for their construction, utility, and lifetime warranties: e.g., Patagonia, L.L. Bean, Arcteryx, Ralph Lauren, etc. My boyfriend can easily fit all his clothes into a single closet and travels Spirit with ease. My boyfriend never needs to “declutter”, only retiring items when they’re fully worn through and hole-y.
But let me be clear— I won’t idolize men’s style at the expense of women’s. I love fashion, trends, and innovative new brands and they should NOT be disregarded as fluff, as many feminine interests are. And men’s style discourse still has a lot to learn from women. For example, fearlessly taking inspiration from the opposite gender and an openness to experimentation.
But here I am, idolizing my boyfriend’s influence on my style. And it isn’t wrong, but it is interesting.
TLDR? It’s not always about men vs. women. Or race. Or class. But sometimes it is, or sometimes it’s at least part of the story.
The BF Muse
Jacob Elordi. Paul Mescal. Boyfriend jeans. They’re style icons, but also boyfriends™— iconic in their association to their stylish (but not as iconically so) girlfriends: e.g., Olivia Jade (nee: Kaia Gerber, Zendaya, & Joey King), Gracie Abrams (nee: Phoebe Bridgers) and adjacently, one might add Daisy Edgar Jones.
Yes, he’s always a boyfriend isn’t he? He’s a man but he’s woman approved. A safe man, but not so safe that he hasn’t mowed through five beautiful celeb gfs in the past half-decade. The girlfriend changes but our obsession with his style doesn’t.
Are we obsessed with boyfriends because we love men who love like women? This fits snugly into the wife guy discourse that
Olivia Jade has mastered minimal chic, but the pap doesn’t ogle her outfits in the same way it does Jacob’s. If Phoebe Bridgers broke out some micro shorts, would we laud them like Paul’s mini inseams?
To be cemented as a style symbol, women must deviate more significantly from the norm than the length of a hemline or the fit of a tee shirt. They must invent entirely new aesthetics.
Jennifer Lawrence’s simple and luxurious looks of late are classic, but we focus on the brand, The Row, rather than her innate style.
CBK, Zoe Kravitz, and Gwyneth Paltrow have also stood out as recent “timeless” style icons. We may give these ladies their flowers, but for how long?
analyzed the top style icons by country right now via Pinterest, which reflects just how short-lived so-called “timeless” IT girls can be.I’d be remiss to omit the recent surge in boy pageantry. In her Dev Patel lookalike coverage,
suggests such pageantry would not translate for female celebrities. While it’s funny and cool to fawn over male celeb lookalikes, a female competition would likely be deemed vain and a lot less interesting…In Conclusion
You can’t dream board your way to the ideal boyfriend. Well you can try but you might end up finding a better version of yourself along the way.
Styling my boyfriend helped me appreciate the joys of superb good gift-giving. It taught me to understand the merits of give-and-take, going with the flow rather than fighting against it, and all I can learn from others. And of course, it has made me more aware of the differences in how style is marketed to men and women.
Who’s your biggest style influence? Is it someone you know IRL or is that just a me-thing?
xx Audrey
Jacob Elordi is a genuine fashion icon!! You bring up a great point about how timeless men’s wardrobe is, especially compared to the fickle trends of a female wardrobe. I feel like recent years, when quiet luxury has been at its peak has allowed women a taste of timeless wardrobes. I wonder what will happen now that we are obviously entering our Chloe era…
Definitely agree that there's so much you can learn from people IRL that you can't from any other source, whether that be regarding fashion or any other topic. My biggest style inspiration is my mom! She always looks so put-together and elegant.
In the past couple of years, a lot of my style "influencers" have been men—men who emphasize good quality and construction and timelessness. However, as a woman who gets bored easily, I can't help adding a pinch of my own "visual spice" 😂