bangs, fig trees, and polynomial functions

the august itch

“life is not linear, no matter how we try to measure it. it swells and recedes, hardens and softens, blooms and withers. each season carries its own tempo, its own moral, its own instruction about how to be alive.”

caitlyn

recently said that life isn’t linear, it’s seasonal. And I agree, because I feel a familiar restlessness: the August itch for bangs.

I’d thought my getting bangs reflected a decisive change hurtling me towards the future, like visiting a new country or starting my first grown up job. Or, as boys like to joke, an existential crisis post-breakup. But maybe it’s simply a reflection of the season.

Because after deciding to get bangs in August for the fifth time, I can’t help but notice a pattern.

from left to right: 08/2010, 08/2021, 08/2023

and like clockwork…

Summer me might be sparkly and pink, but the me that hangs in the balance before Fall has bangs.

We talk about ~finding your personal style~ like it’s a straightforward journey from one point to the next.

But life isn’t linear.

Life has seasonality.

And life exists in more than just two dimensions.

Life is at least a 5th degree polynomial, if not a multivariate function.¹

And so is my personal style.

something new

I’ve been on an unintentional low buy all year, but the August itch also correlates with a spike in my fashion intrigue.

Maybe it’s a Pavlovian association with back to school shopping.

Maybe, it’s the aesthetics and mood. Fireside rainy day coziness and bespectacled dark academia feel very me.²

chicagoans who know, know

I love leaning into the distinct ethos of each season and I relish any chance to reinvent myself. Especially in anticipation of fall.

So, I finally ordered a pair of reading glasses—yes, of course they’re Miu Miu dupes.³

And despite the still 80-degree weather, I purchased a fur coat and sherpa shoes. Because right now? There’s nothing more appealing to me than enveloping myself in fluff after being quasi-naked for months.⁴

Change excites me.

Or more specifically, the moment right before.

That’s the power of the August itch.

everything i’ve bought so far for fall:

1. brown UGG Tazz Slippers ($50 at 2nd Street Vintage)

2. brown faux fur Zara⁵ jacket ($33 at 2nd Street Vintage)

3. Miu Miu dupe glasses ($40 at glassesusa)

4. white Andrea blouse ($26 at Brandy Melville)

5. white and blue pinstripe Anastasia pants ($25 at Brandy Melville)

6. black Armani trousers ($25? at Crossroads)

7. navy Zara⁶ blazer ($15 at Marshall’s)

8. Steve Madden Frye dupes ($60 at Marshall’s)

9. Steve Madden Row dupes ($60 at Marshall’s)

10. Byredo Bibliothéque 100ml ($200 at Jomashop)

something old

Not all progress necessitates purchase. Sometimes, you need only look backwards. And to recycle something from a previous season of life.

Like revamping my daily jewelry stack.

Recently, I saw a girl at run club wearing a necklace with a gold elephant charm and a dangly amethyst. I was in love.

Better yet? She’d put it together herself, taking an old necklace she rarely wore and adding the second charm on to create something new.

Inspired, I dug through my own jewelry storage. I decided to compliment the already mixed metals of my grandma’s necklace by stringing a gold cornetto⁷ and a silver sparkly “A” onto the same chain.

But all that cycles with the seasons is not gold. Like habits. Both good and bad.

I started picking/biting my fingers in elementary school, and have quit on and off like any good addict for years.

But right now it’s better. I’ve been trying really hard. My skin looks like skin instead of an open wound and I wanted to reward myself. So I ordered a fall fragrance: Byredo’s Bibliothéque.

Yes, I know people think it’s saccharine and prefer it in candle form. However, this is chiclets, where sickeningly sweet is just sickening.

(CW: food)

I’ll wear sweetness on my sleeve (and on my neck and behind my ears), but I won’t drink it. At least not until it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

Goodbye salted caramel latte, and hello cappuccino + breakfast!

Imma be so for real with you for a sec—

I haven’t eaten breakfast since high school. I drink my sugary coffee each morning and try to see how long I can go before my first meal. Everyone fit is intermittent fasting right? Plus, I’m not that hungry when I wake up anyways.

When I told my therapist this, she looked at me with pity and said,

that’s why you’re so tired. And that’s why, by the time you’re hungry, you can’t resist gorging yourself.

My therapist is a smart lady. Sooo maybe I should trust her more than The Huberman Lab podcast…

Of course, I’d never suggest forgoing sweet treats altogether.

A Mindy’s hot chocolate is one of fall’s finest pleasures.

And my new go-to drink is an Amaretto sour. I’ve yet to find an alcoholic bevvy that I actively enjoy, but this one gets close. Gin, sugary almond, and fluffy egg white feels both so me and so fall.

—

What about my future fall data points? Can I predict those?

I spent this weekend transitioning my wardrobe and thinking about what pieces I actually need.

This process consisted of staring at my closet and imagining outfits, with Pinterest at the ready. What missing piece would an outfit idea require? Or, if there’s a specific item I want, what outfits would I create from it with the pieces I already own?

Based on my analysis, here are my projected best purchases. Or, in non-nerd speak, my fall wishlist:

1. ballet flats/Mary Jane’s (heeled or flat? all black or cap toe??)

2. the perfect LBD

3. riding boots (acquired, as of editing)

4. Aritzia a la 2008 Abercrombie ruffle mini skirt (which color do I get??)

5. grey mini skirt

6. comfy trousers (my fav Theory wool trousers have a hole in them 😖)

7. sleek boat neck/turtleneck long sleeves and/or bodysuits

—

something blue

There’s a reason this isn’t a true pre-fall post. Why I’m writing about the moment before the shift. An itch, not yet scratched.

I crave change, but I’m not quite ready to let go of summer.

I saw the Halloween display at TJ Maxx in July and felt genuinely unsettled.

Fall has always been my favorite season, yet this year it feels like an ending. To the Chicagoans out and about every day. To rollerblading the lakefront path and without fail, seeing someone I know. To community. And to serendipity.

I reassure myself. Seasons cycle and eventually it will be spring and then summer again.

But I also don’t want to oversimplify things. This year, part of why I’m resistant to the changing of the seasons is because I’m afraid of time moving forwards. I’m afraid of the trees shedding not only their leaves, but their fruits. I’m afraid of the figs falling away. Shriveling up, drying out, and dying.

Life isn’t linear, but it’s also not a circle. Life is seasonal but it’s not cyclical. It pushes onwards.

wrote this and then came across a giant fig tree. universe is laughing at me fr.

Thing is, while some figs will shrivel up and die with age, new figs will blossom. New doors that I couldn’t possibly have have imagined will open up.

How do I know? Because it’s happened before.

You might think at 25, I have less possibilities in my purview than I used to. But it’s quite the opposite.

What use is an ever-expansive fig tree if you haven’t yet learned how to climb?

In 2025, I found a new love for spring and summer. How naive of me to assume that this fall would be the same as the last.

Returning to the old isn’t always regression. Not when you and the world around you have shifted. Not when you’ve moved further along the axis of time.

I’ve said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But is it still insanity if the conditions have shifted? And if the stakes are low, how much can it hurt to check?

Similarly, leaving something behind doesn’t mean abandoning it forever. Hair grows back. And like the trend cycle, we often return to things that worked before. A pair of shoes. A favorite meal. A friendship. A season.

So, yeah. I guess I’ll get bangs again.

xx Audrey

1. i argue a polynomial is the best option here. the beginning and end of life going off to infinity as opposed to something like a Fourier series or periodic/sinusoidal function that repeats forever. specifically a 5+ degree polynomial because the number of possible inflection points of a polynomial function is limited by its degree. and i think life has a good few inflection points at least.

2. cuz i’m a nerd

3. i’m not farsighted, but I do have an astigmatism that my cheap contacts don’t correct

4. even in winter, the grass is always greener isn’t it?

5. it was secondhand Zara so it’s okay

6. it was European Zara so it’s okay

7. to protect against the malocchio (Italian evil eye)