Girl-blogger vs. Hinge

with great power comes great responsibili-tees

I’m desperate. I’ve resorted… to the apps.

see? desperate.

That’s right! I’m blogging about my dating life.

Carrie Bradshaw-ing on Substack? Groundbreaking 🙄

if you give a girl-blogger a Hinge prompt, she’ll want to write a manifesto to go with it!

As a world-wearied 24 year-old, I don’t care to sell myself as anything other than what I am. I’ve tried that. It’s exhausting, ineffective, and I’m over it. I’m not chill. I’m not effortless. I’m sometimes funny, but I don’t want anyone counting on that.

So, I infused my Hinge responses with my try-hard roots, both in style and substance. I wanted them to ooze me— as much as ≤ 225 characters x 3 can.

This probably scared some people off. But would I want to waste energy on them anyways?

Not to Brené Brown bible thump the crap out of you, but vulnerability attracts people who appreciate your authentic self— Which 1. is more rewarding than any number of likes, and 2. will probably get you more likes. As long as your authentic self is not a complete jerk.

Being vulnerable has made me more friends than trying to be someone I’m not ever did. Through my blog. On Bumble BFF. At coffee shops, parties, and the gym. Via my ice-breaking “i’m desperate” tee. And now on Hinge. I’ve connected with more people in the past year than I have throughout my entire life.

You gotta give people something to work with— to connect with— or even to disprove. Sharing your fears allows people to disarm false ones.

Vulnerability also unlocked my curiosity— And curiosity only compounds connection. I was so worried about myself that I couldn’t be present and just listen. I’d freeze up— How could anyone come up with questions on the spot during class discussions, interviews, or initial friendly interactions?! But anxiety is just self-centeredness in a different font. When I led with vulnerability, my focus softened, and my thirst to learn seeped through.

Jemima Kirke’s Jessa-coded advice (GIRLS)

Vulnerability isn’t foolproof. It’s high-risk, high-reward. It feels miserable when someone you care about doesn’t reciprocate. But living as yourself is worth it. What would bliss be without pain? And how boring would it be to live in certainty¹.

Other times, this energy mismatch can be lighthearted entertainment—

if you include a guitar pic in your Hinge profile, boys will want to talk about it

“Talk” is putting it politely. They will (from worst to least bad):

1. question your ability to play

2. show off their own audio IQ

3. or compliment the guitar— and maybe the girl holding it

pick-up lines i’ve received, ranked from cringe to alright

This became a reliable weed-out strategy. If your first instinct is to say, “my Les Paul is cooler than your SG,” it’s a no for me dawg!

Or my personal favorite, “it’s not even plugged in—” Ummm you’ve clearly never practiced electric guitar sans amp at 11 pm. Or, you’re just an asshole to your neighbors.

They may also go the more palatable, but equally annoying route and ask, “what kind of music are you into?”

Granted, you’ll get this bland question regardless of whether you demonstrate musical affinity. And regardless of whether you’re on the apps or in person. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that boys will evaluate ask you about your music taste before you can say “I love the Smiths!”

source: 500 Days of Summer

if you give a girl-blogger dumb music questions, she’ll want to make a playlist to go with it

Fed up with this question, I created a canned response: a semi-ironic playlist of weird, angry, and 2000’s pop-punk teen angst music:

Why?

1. I refuse to impress you pretentious music boy!

2. I grew up in the 2000’s and as my best friend says, I have a soft spot for whiny male singing.

3. I identify as an angry girl™

But these boys didn’t believe me! I got responses like: “Really? You don’t seem like a very angry person” or “But you seem so happy!”

At first I disagreed— Dude you don’t even know me. Obviously I’m gonna be cheerful when you’re buying me dinner and drinks. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

But then I realized, they were kinda right— I’m not angry anymore.

Ewww nooo! Not my dates mansplaining my own emotional development to me 🤢

And I wondered why…

Was it my newfound commitment to vulnerability? On write and rewrite of this post, the overarching theme was just that— the power of vulnerability. Close, but no cigar.

Vulnerability on its own doesn’t cut it. First of all, vulnerability requires knowing and trusting yourself. Secondly, it’s much easier to say “be yourself” than to actually know who that is. Especially when you keep fighting her.

And there it was.

Right in front of me— In the shape of my all-time fav angsty tune:

All this therapy and reading and yoga just to realize a freaking 2000’s one hit wonder rock band had my answers all along— I really am my own worst enemy.

if you give a girl-blogger a playlist, she’ll want to craft the narrative behind it

My anger or misery business or whatever you wanna call it was of my own creation. I could be vulnerable on Hinge all I wanted. But I was still being a dick to myself— every now and then, I’d kick the livin’ shit out of me!

I was always the one to decide I wasn’t good enough. For a friend group. Or a guy. Or my sorority. Or a sport. I backed out of job interviews that I deemed myself under-qualified for. I spent so much time anxious that I’d screwed things up. Or nitpicking how I wasn’t perfect.

Ah, a tale as old as time, the most fearsome enemy is yourself! Think— Superman vs. Bizarro. Spiderman vs. Venom. Dr. Jekyll vs. Mr. Hyde.

And every superpower is also a weakness.

Bedtime’s got nothin’ on my stamina. And I'm great at ideating. So great that I'm an insomniac!

I couldn’t tolerate imperfection. And it got me really far— To straight A’s, a 36 on the ACT, and MIT. I pushed past my own survival instincts for “success”. And when I didn’t? Well then, I was probably just being lazy.

I had to learn when to stop pushing. And how to listen to myself.

And of course, this— when our main character accepts themselves, their values, and their limits, is when they become not just a mutant or an alien or a spider-bitten freak who failed to save their uncle, but a hero.

if you give a girl-blogger a story, she’ll want to make herself its protagonist

I had written myself as the victim— sometimes even the villain. But this is my blog and my origin story! Only I can make myself a victim. And I’m not. I never was. I’m a superhero. Or at least someday I might be…²

I wrote about finding agency in perspective, a post I regretted, until I rediscovered its value. When my perspective starts to feel like “I suck,” I consciously shift it towards “be the person you want to be today.”

Wrapped up into this is:

• treat others how you want to be treated

• be yourself

• be brave

• be kind, compassionate, and vulnerable

• get off your damn phone

• and memento mori

You could die tomorrow, so don’t wait to do what you want to do or be who you want to be.

I’ll ask myself— Do I really suck? What are my values? Am I living up to them? Are there any shifts I need to make? If so, do it. If not, I don’t suck.

I also used to struggle with jealousy. Until I realized it was a signal from myself— not of what someone else had that I didn’t, but of what I had the potential to be. I just had to step up.

And my teen angst? Well that was just untapped potential— strong emotions that I didn’t know how to process— a girl with great power and some great graphic tees.

if you give a girl-blogger a hero arc, she’ll want an outfit to go with it

I’ve extolled the power of a good uniform (if you can do cartwheels in it, it’s a good one). But you know who else has a uniform they can do cartwheels in? Superheroes!

Clark Kent, Peter Parker, etc. They could be any average Hinge dude— until they suit up. Likewise, every morning I get dressed to feel super. I equip clothing that boosts my confidence, cool, and connection XP.

I feel most empowered when I dress authentically. The outfits where I stop over-planning and modeling myself after Pinspo are my best— When I trust my gut and eat down with a Custo top thrown on over baggy jeans and Tretorns.

et voila!

And my favorite thrift finds are never the trendiest. They’re the unexpected ones that speak to my soul: a pair of vintage Levis, my pink and yellow baseball top, a pinstripe RL button down, Jockey tighty whities, a chintzy Urban Outfitters dress, and of course, my “i’m desperate” t-shirt.

So I’m suited up— desperation emblazoned across my chest like Superman’s S³. Ready to conquer the dating world.

not all superheroes wear capes— some of them wear graphic tees!

if you give a girl-blogger a cute outfit, she’ll want to ball out on Hinge

Obviously (I hope 😬), I’m not truly desperate. But I do seek connection. And love. And belonging. I catastrophize frequently. But I’ll own it. I’ll wear my heart on my short-sleeve tee and say that shit with my chest! I’ll joke about being desperate because humor is fear’s worst enemy— And I am my own.

P.S. Shoutout to the one Hinge man who quoted my LinkedIn bio to me and then proceeded to reference my latest blog post. If you’re reading this, pop off research king!

nightmare fuel

P.P.S. Don’t come lightly to the page. My most rewarding art is born out of feeling. Also, stop plotting cuz life is largely plotless. And have fun. Even if the results of being authentic sometimes suck, you’ll enjoy the process more. This goes for writing, dating, making friends, etc. Even if no one reads this long-ass ambulatory post, I had a helluva time writing it!

P.P.P.S Sponsor me

Hinge

, pleeeeasseeee I’m desperate!! And I know you are too ;)

Relevant Resources

Superhero media:

• Smallville

• Sky High

• X-Men First Class

• Kick Ass

• Spiderman anything

• Scott Pilgrim (the graphic novels, NOT the movie)

• Runaways (the comics, NOT the TV show)

Books:

• On Writing by Stephen King

• Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

• If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Numeroff

• any bildungsroman (hi dad)

Music:

• for when ppl ask me “what kind of music do you like?”

• misc. songs i’ve been thinking about

1. i say through gritted teeth

2. I find origin stories more interesting than serialized hero media anyways— especially those overstuffed group superhero movies— all action and 0 character development

3. The “S” on Superman’s chest is actually the Kryptonian symbol for hope— and a reminder of what Superman signifies to mankind.